Back to the fear thing. I've been totally living in fear. I don't know how else to say it. But I've been living in total fear that this dumb Chronic Fatigue stuff will have an episode again at any time. It's permeated pretty much every area of my life and has stolen a lot of my joy. Things I loved have taken the back seat as I have subconsciously waited for me to feel tired and sick.
What a terrible way to live! Even my beloved Rwanda has been impacted. I have loved Rwanda since the moment I got off the plane the first time if not before. But, coming this time felt like a chore. Something I HAD to just get through. Something I knew God wanted me to do. And for the world I couldn't figure out why!! I was going to be tired and useless to Him! Why are you sending me?
Well, I did everything I was supposed to do as the trip leader. Answered all the questions, packed all the things. Took all the planes and then landed and nothing. Still didn't know why I was here.
Until my good friend, Desiree, called me on my attitude. That's a good friend by the way. One that doesn't let you get away with it. And, I AM the one that talked her into this whole thing. Hehe. She asked what was up? My spark for Rwanda was gone. I wasn't into it. I told her I didn't know why. I just wasn't into it. Sad day.
Until the first day of clinic I don't think I really knew. We saw patients. We helped the Rwandans. And there were some amazing stories.
But I finally got it during worship on the second day. I live in fear. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I am waiting for the bad instead of living for the good. The verse Phillipians 4:13 struck me. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." That means even with CFS I can be useful to Him because he is in charge of my strength. I can live with joy because anything He asks me to do, I can do because He will give me the strength. He isn't contained by Chronic Fatigue.
Coming to Rwanda was an act of obedience. I did it because I knew He was telling me to. I am so grateful that He has shown me that He is all powerful. Because the joy has come back for me. I'm LIVING again. And it feels awesome. :)
