The Known and the Unknown

There are times that are life changing. Times that you are cruising thru life and then all of a sudden a pothole pops up and the bottom drops out of your car.

Times like that contain what I call the known and the unknown. Like when you go to have a routine mammogram and you get a call that they found something. The 'known' is the time when you 'know' everything is fine. But you get stuck in the time where they aren't sure whats going to happen to you. For me, I consider the unknown to be after the diagnosis because you don't know what's going to happen. That middle part, that's the part that makes you crazy. Do I have cancer? Do I not? How do I plan my life? Can I go on that trip? Or can't I?

The known and unknown happened to us Saturday night.

I was so happy Brian and Torri had made it home safely from Rwanda! SO GRATEFUL!!! Saturday night I was trying to overcompensate and give them their favorite foods. Brian ended up with grilled cheese, ice cream and thin mints. It is Girl Scout Cookie time after all!

Not long after that we went to bed. About an hour later he was up and in PAIN. I was trying to figure out what was wrong. But the pain was right in the middle of his abdomen/chest area. And, he didn't want to talk about it. Nor did he want to go to the emergency room. (Men. Please. Can we talk about this? Can you just give in and go so we can all get back to sleep sooner? You KNOW we are right and you are going to go in the end--but i digress…) He finally gave in and went.

After enough tests that I'm pretty sure we've met our family deductible the Dr. came in and we went from knowing that everything was fine to the middle. Right before the unknown. The place where they say, it's THIS. And it's going to change everything but you have no idea how much. The Dr. said, "Well, we see what we think are lesions on your liver. Or we think they are lesions, or a mass, or cancer, or something. We will need to look further."

The middle space between the known and the unknown is the space where your mind runs wild with possibilities. You go to crazy places where you don't want to be. Where you just want to know the real answer.

I tried not to. But you just can't not go there. If you know Brian at all you will know that I am spoiled. Rotten. Seriously. He is amazing to me. He cooks. He cleans. He takes out the trash. He does laundry. Not that he has to do all that stuff but he certainly isn't afraid to! And I've joked around that if something were to happen to him I wouldn't get married again because he's created a monster. It's sad but true! And the girls…and their dad… UGH!!! The middle is TERRIBLE!!!!

Fortunately we only had to stay there a little while. After more testing the Dr. came in and said he believed that they were actually benign lesions but that they would need further testing and that Brian's extreme pain was actually gall stones. It's unknown when everything will be resolved but, he will be fine. Happy to not be in the MIDDLE!

Thru this whole thing, the known, the middle, and the unknown, my God was there. He never left. And if the unknown would have been the worst possible outcome, He would have been up for the challenge.

Now, I know many of my friends are in various stages of the known, the middle, and the unknown. And I need you to hear that God is there with you. Waiting to love on you in the way you need it most. Regardless of if you feel that you deserve it. Please don't feel that you need to clean something up to accept it. Hands up and accept. That's it.

"MAIL CALL!"

At times I have taken a lot of responsibility for the ministry that God has put me in. Like, if it's going to happen, it's up to me!  I've had various roles that have made that position magnified. Pastors daughter, pastors wife, overachiever. You get the idea. Sometimes I get pretty…um…grumpy. Yeah. That's what we'll call it. Ha! I'm not sure why I do that. Maybe I'm a control freak. Or I feel like this ministry would be better if I just 'handled' it.

But, I got a little word from God yesterday via the Bishop TD Jakes. He was being interviewed by the famous Oprah Winfrey. During their conversation she asked if he was overwhelmed by the huge church he pastored. He said, "No. I'm the mailman, I'm not the mail." Whoa. Truth bomb. 

It reminds me of something my husband Brian's told me a few times--(A FEW times? How stubborn am I??? lol)--"God isn't accepting applications for the fourth member of the Trinity." Hm…Painful. 

Yes. I'm that kind of girl. I forget. I get overwhelmed and take on too much. I ask God for help. He GRACIOUSLY steps in to HIS ministry and makes things flow beautifully and then inevitably I say, "Thanks! I got it from here!" And the cycle continues. Why? Why do I not learn this lesson? 

This is a serious problem. I have been on Short Term Disability for migraines and exhaustion since November. I have been benched. That means I am totally out of control and for the first time I've had to let God be totally in control. I can't lie and say it's been easy. It's been really hard. And for the first time I can't say, "Thanks! I got it from here!" because I have no idea what the future holds. 

Will I get to go back to work and if I do, when? (btw…does anyone know if God has email? I'd love to just send Him an--nevermind.) 

This whole journey for me has been about just what Bishop Jakes talked about. Can I JUST be the mailman and let God be the mail? Because God has a million ways to use me.  Whether I'm exhausted with a migraine (like now) or I am feeling great. He can use me. Just like He can use you. He's not confined to our small brain thinking. 

So…today… I am grateful that he hasn't stopped my migraines and exhaustion yet. Or I wouldn't have realized that I need to be the mailman. And I can stop trying to run the world. He apparently has enough help. :)